Dawn Maslar, MS, Love Biologist, joined us for a conversation on love on The Strategy Sessions yesterday. Our time ended so quickly, we did not have a chance to ask a few more burning questions. We are continuing the conversation on 5 Questions With, a behind-the-scenes Q & A with our radio show guests after the interviews conclude.
5 Questions with Dawn Maslar
ATS: We live in a society that is vastly different than that of, say 15 or 20 years ago, when men were the primary bread winners. How has the role reversal – women now being the primary or sole financial provider in the household – changed relationships? How has the “science” of love been changed because of this phenomenon?
Dawn Maslar: Changes in society can complicate love. Love and our brains have been evolving for millions of years. Biologically we can’t change as fast as society can change.
So let’s take a look at your example of the breadwinner dynamic. One complaint I hear from woman is that they can’t find a good man – one that has a good job, who’s loyal and supportive.
Studies show us that a man’s testosterone level is highest when he is single and looking for a partner. Women also produce testosterone, and if she is a go-getter at work, she’s probably testosterone driven.
So here’s the problem, when two males meet, they other compete or jockey for dominance until they reach a place of mutual respect. Most of us have seen that and understand it. Some women understand and operate very well in that dynamic also. That’s the tomboy or “one of the guys” type girl. She’s not the girl the guys usually ask out.
When a man gets in a relationship his testosterone starts dropping. Its mother nature’s way of helping to keep him around, which is important if you have a baby. If he feels needed, he gets a win and a little boost of testosterone that makes him feel good. But, if he doesn’t win – for example, if she makes more money and he doesn’t feel appreciated – his testosterone can go lower. His lowering testosterone can cause him to wander off looking for a win. In some cases it can push him to succeed, in others it can cause him to cheat or just leave.
A woman can be a breadwinner and have great success, but she just shouldn’t forget to appreciate her man.
ATS: Dawn Maslar TV, your YouTube channel, has videos that include tips on finding love, dating disasters, and why women choose the wrong men. What has been the response to your videos?
Dawn Maslar: The response has tremendous. I’ve been getting about a thousand views a day for the last several months. I expect it to only increase as I keep adding videos.
Several people have approached me about blogging and sharing my content on there sites. I believe people really enjoy learning about themselves.
ATS: During our interview with you on The Strategy Sessions, we talked more about women and dating. Men aren’t immune to making bad choices when it comes to selecting mates. What are the top three mistakes, in general, men make, and what are some tips to help them improve how they connect with women?
Dawn Maslar: I’ve been coaching women for years, but rarely work with men. So, I asked this question on Facebook, just to make sure I was on the right track. The feedback I received was amazing. This question really strikes a nerve with people. But, the most interesting part was everyone was saying just about the same thing. Well… except for the guy that didn’t think men made mistakes.
Here are the top mistakes men make when selecting a mate:
1. Thinking that women are just cuter, sexier, softer versions of men.
Some men (and women) don’t realize we think differently. Our brains are actually formed differently because we are made for different things. We understand that our bodies are different, but for some reason we find it harder to believe that our brains are that different.
For example, women tend to be more emotional and respond differently to stress. As Mather of the University of Southern California explained in Psychological Science, “at difficult times, men are inclined to fight or flight, while women try to bond more and improve relationships.”  In general, females are biologically built for relationships, nurturing, and love, while men are built for competing, providing, and sex.
In today’s society when we are working together, we don’t notice the difference as much, but these differences really come into play when we start dating and can become a major stumbling block.
2. Leading with the eyes (or other parts).
Men are visual beings. They have 25% more visual neurons than women. That’s one of the reasons he places a higher importance of observable cues.
As Louann Brizendine, M.D. points out in her book, The Male Brain, men have been biologically selected over millions of years to focus on fertile females. Most of them aren’t even aware that they’re programmed to zoom in on certain features that indicate reproductive health. Researchers have found that the attraction to an hourglass figure – large breasts, small waist, flat stomach and full hips – is ingrained in men across all cultures.”
In addition to this, all sexual relationships begin with sexual desire. Therefore, men are drawn to what they consider to be sexually desirable first. Now, a few women might balk at that statement, but I would refer her back to mistake #1.
3. Thinking a relationship is a fix.
This is the final mistake that both men and women are guilty of in relationships. There are two ways this can happen. Often a man will be attracted to a woman he tries to rescue. This is the classic damsel in distress story. If he saves her, she will be grateful and love him forever.
Conversely, a lot of women believe “he’s not perfect but I can rebuild him.” It’s like the old 70’s show about the bionic man. The other person believes they can rebuild him or her. They can make him or her better then they were, better, stronger, faster.
Unfortunately, as well meaning as these beliefs are, they just don’t work. Falling in love requires both people to be emotionally and mentally comfortable with themselves. Our brains go through a biochemical upheaval, and if we are not comfortable with ourselves, it can get pretty crazy.
ATS: Since writing your book, From Heartbreak to Heart’s Desire: Developing a Healthy GPS (Guy Picking System), has your outlook on changed or altered, and if so, how?
Dawn Maslar: Yes, my outlook has changed slightly. I believe that we never graduate and a relationship is never perfect. But, I believe we keep growing and that our relationships help with that.
From my research into the science of love, I believe that we are being pulled into the direction of love. Not just for our primary relationship, but for all relationships, including those with the planet and other creatures.
ATS: In addition to speaking engagements, and the course at Kaplan University, you also offer one-on-one consultations. What services do you offer?
Dawn Maslar: I have a coaching service. I also have several coaches that work with me. We provide one-on-one coaching by phone, Skype, and in person. I’m also available for consulting on popexpert.com and the Learning Annex.
My Developing a Healthy GPS (Guy Picking System) self-study course is available on Udemy and the DailyOM.
 Association for Psychological Science (2012, February 28). Stress changes how people make decisions. ScienceDaily. Retrieved September 4, 2012, form http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/02/120228114308.htm
 Brizendine, Louann The Male Brain 2010 Random House New York, NY.
Connect with Dawn Maslar
Facebook: www.facebook.com/dawn.maslar and www.facebook.com/lovebiologist (Love Nerds page)
About the Blogger: Kesi Stribling
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